You probably know a man who seemed to shrink a little after he retired. Maybe it was your husband, your brother, or a friend from the old days at work. He went from busy and purposeful to quiet. Maybe a little lost.

It turns out there is real research behind this. And the experts who study it say the reason is more understandable than you might think.

When a Career Becomes an Identity

A 2024 study published by the National Library of Medicine found a direct link between retirement and depressive symptoms in men. Specifically, men who were deeply attached to their careers before retiring were more likely to experience depression once they left the workforce.

Barbara Sparacino, MD, a triple board-certified adult and geriatric psychiatrist and founder of The Aging Parent Coach, says this happens because many of these men saw their job as far more than a paycheck. For them, work was their identity. It gave them purpose.

“Many men were socialized to derive self-worth from productivity, achievement, and providing for others. When that role suddenly disappears, silence often follows.”

When the job ends, she says, something like an identity vacuum opens up. It is not that these men have nothing to say. It is that they are no longer sure who they are when they are not working.

Matthew Willner, LCSW and IFS Certified therapist, notes that women can feel this too. But they tend to handle the transition differently — often by stepping back and reconsidering what they actually want from life going forward.

What Can Actually Help

The good news is there are real, practical things that make a difference. Willner says many men do well when they have some structure to step into — things like therapy, peer groups, or getting involved in their community.

“These tools aren’t just about coping,” he says, “but about cultivating an identity that goes beyond one’s output.”

And the best time to start? Before you retire, while your career identity is still intact. That is when it is easiest to build a sense of self that does not depend entirely on your job title.

Willner suggests spending time getting curious about parts of yourself that may have taken a back seat for most of your working life. He says rediscovering ways to be creative, silly, or playful can open doors you did not even know were there.

He also recommends starting therapy, investing in friendships outside of a romantic partnership, and getting into activities that see you as a person — not just as someone useful.

Maybe It Is Time to Rethink the Word Itself

Dr. Sparacino takes it a step further. She says she does not actually encourage the traditional idea of retirement at all — and she points to the word itself as part of the problem.

“Even the word itself implies retreating or withdrawing — as you retire to a room, retire from society, retire from engagement.”

You can stop working full-time, she says. But you should not stop participating in life.

“We need purpose, connection, contribution, curiosity, and community throughout the lifespan.”

That is not a small ask. But for the men in our lives who have gone a little quiet, it might be exactly the right place to start.