You hear it the moment it starts. A cry. A meltdown. A grandchild who is completely overwhelmed. And just like that, your heart is right there with them.
Knowing what to say in those moments is not always easy. But two child psychologists have landed on the same two-word phrase that can help and it is simpler than you might expect.
The Phrase: “Right Now”
Dr. Rebecca Weksner, a licensed clinical psychologist in Massachusetts who specializes in pediatrics and parenting, and Dr. Adina Chesir, a licensed clinical psychologist based in New York City who works with children, teens, and adults, both point to the same phrase: “right now.”
Try saying something like, “I know you are super annoyed right now,” or “I know you are feeling really sad right now.” Those two little words do something important; they remind a child that what they are feeling is temporary.
As Dr. Weksner explains, “The ‘right now’ provides the perspective needed to remember that feelings are not facts and do not last forever. Emotions come and go, ebb and flow.”
She adds that the phrase helps a child’s brain “see past the intensity of the distress to when they will feel differently.” It will not fix everything at once, but it takes the hardest edge off the upset and that softening is often enough for them to start thinking clearly again.
Dr. Chesir notes that the phrase does double duty. It shows your grandchild that you see and understand what they are going through, and it helps them put a name to what they are feeling. That validation alone can keep things from escalating further.
One honest note from Dr. Weksner: even this phrase will not work every single time with every child. But the more consistently you use it, the more it tends to help.
Four More Things That Help
Beyond the phrase itself, both psychologists offer a few other approaches worth keeping in mind.
Speak low and slow. Dr. Weksner suggests dropping both your voice and your height, getting down to eye level with the child, and lowering your tone. When you slow down your speech, an agitated brain can actually process your words better. You become a calm model without having to say a word about it.
Give them something specific to do. Rather than telling a child to calm down, Dr. Weksner recommends giving them a clear, simple task. A few examples she shares:
- “Take three gulps of water and then we can figure this out together.” Drinking in big gulps forces deeper breathing, which helps ease distress.
- “Do four jumping jacks with me and then we can find a way to fix the problem.” Physical movement releases the agitated energy a child is holding.
- “Go get me your blue socks from the drawer and then we can make a plan.” Looking for something specific moves the brain away from the emotional spiral and into calmer thinking.
Reflect their feelings back to them. Dr. Chesir says simply mirroring what your grandchild is feeling: “Wow, I can see this is really hard for you” communicates that you see them. Children often push harder emotionally because they feel unheard. When they feel heard, they do not need to turn up the volume.
What Not To Do
Our instinct as adults is to jump into problem-solving mode. We want to reason things out, offer reassurance, find a fix. Dr. Chesir says that instinct, while loving, is not usually what a distressed child needs in that moment.
Simply reflecting their feelings back, and reminding them it is just “right now”, is often enough. More than enough, actually. That is what they need most.
Next time a grandchild is melting down, you do not have to have all the answers. You just have to be there, speak gently, and remind them that this feeling will pass. Two words, and a whole lot of love.